Image credit: Canva
By Mark Kenny
A version of this article was originally published by The Canberra Times.
It is said you should never argue with stupid people, because they will just drag you down to their level ... and then beat you with experience.
Presumably, this applies to stupid governments as well.
King Charles might have had this witticism - usually attributed to Mark Twain - in mind as he braced for the delicate task of cajoling a vainglorious president and a feckless Congress in Washington DC.
Wisely, KC chose to embed many of his strongest messages in humour, much of it self-deprecating, but other gibes, were sharper in their reflections on America's tasteless self-regard.
It is tricky terrain.
Lawmakers in the Capitol have either surrendered to an unchecked American "king" thus butchering the careful equilibrium in the republic's governance, or they have descended into a kind of frustrated derangement over same - joined by large sections of the media and public.
On a mission of diplomatic repair for Keir Starmer's bedraggled government, KC well knew of the vast number of "what ifs" should he fail to calibrate his message to Donald Trump's gargantuan ego and to these divergent positions.
For a British monarch, there are particular tripwires, given the former colony's revolutionary war of independence.
"From the bitter divisions of 250 years ago, we forged a friendship that has grown into one of the most consequential alliances in human history," Charles told the joint sitting.
"King George, as you know, never set foot in America. And please rest assured, ladies and gentlemen, I am not here as part of some cunning rearguard action," cue laughter.
"The Founding Fathers were bold and imaginative rebels with a cause. Two-hundred-and-fifty years ago - or, as we say in the United Kingdom, just the other day (more guffaws) - they declared independence by balancing contending forces and drawing strength into diversity."
Starmer's office provided the script, but it was KC who nailed the delivery. Come across as fawning and the words alone might fail to re-assert British respect in DC. Come across as preachy and prescriptive, and the ire of the Mad King could invite worse frictions, new recriminations.
Crucially, Charles kept his head.
Perhaps he was drawing on another great writer as he journeyed to the heart of democratic darkness: Rudyard Kipling's famous 1895 poem If.
Uncannily, Kipling's first verse seems like it was written with the King's 2026 charm offensive in mind.
"If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise"
For months now, Donald Trump has been blaming everyone else for refusing to pitch up for a crazy aimless war he started unilaterally. He has singled out Starmer for particular venom, branding him "no Winston Churchill" while mumbling about American punishments to come.
Trump's troubles are of course fully his own, but so what? The apex Western power possesses the heft and the arrogance to hurt its friends and damage the global economy at will (as the ill-considered Iran war has demonstrated).
Deftly, Britain reminded the administration that it has always been there - invoking NATO's article 5 after "9/11" without hesitation.
Later, Charles presented the egotistical President with a bell from the HMS Trump - a World War II-era submarine. "May it stand as a testimony to our nation's shared history and shining future," he said. "And should you ever need to get hold of us, just give us a ring."
HMG didn't have it all go smoothly however. Unscripted observations by none other than Britain's newly appointed ambassador to DC, Christian Turner, also surfaced, adding a new 'what if' to the situation.
Puncturing the special relationship vibes, The Financial Times reported that Mr Turner had been unusually blunt to a group of British students.
"Special relationship' is a phrase I try not to utter because it's quite nostalgic, it's quite backwards looking, and it has a lot of, sort of, baggage about it," Turner reportedly said in leaked audio obtained by the paper.
"I think there is probably one country that has a special relationship with the United States - and that is probably Israel."
It was the kind of truth-bomb nobody really wanted to hear. Errr, down periscope?
Mark Kenny is the Director of the ANU Australian Studies Institute and host of the Democracy Sausage podcast.